I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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