There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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