Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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