you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
