Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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