Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
