I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
