As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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