So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
