How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
