Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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