Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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