Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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