First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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