Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
