Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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