i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
