Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
