she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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