so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
