I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
