my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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