How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
