Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
