i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
