who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
