Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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