WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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