I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
