I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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