I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
