Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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