guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
