she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
