please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
