Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
