I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
