I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
