I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We just shotgunned beers for America
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
