If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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