remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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