Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
