you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
