put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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