I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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