is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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