My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
