I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
