Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
