I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
