I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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